Saturday, February 16, 2008

Household Accidents

Spotting a spider high up on the kitchen wall, I climbed onto a kitchen unit, clutching a rolled up magazine. (You may wish to tell yourself I was intending to shuffle it to safety) And then, as I approached the creature, it suddenly scuttled towards me in a very aggressive manner, causing me lose my footing and fall off the kitchen unit. I hit the ground, careered backwards till I slammed my head against an open cabinet door, then plummeted to the floor. Leaving me dazed and confused, and the final score standing at Spider 1, Millar 0.

Later, rather morosely drinking a cup of tea and watching cartoons, I reflected that I seem to have a lot of household accidents. I'm forever stubbing my toe on things, or breaking stuff. I have a Homer Simpson-like ability to burn my fingers by sticking my hand under the hot tap to see how hot the water is. Invariably, the water is boiling. Is it just me, I wonder, or does everyone stumble around their house from one disaster to another?

Fazi has made an Italian Myspace page for their edition of Lonely Werewolf Girl. And yesterday I completed a brief interview for an Italian teen magazine, so that's a good start to the release in Italy.

Arsenal take on Manchester United in the cup on Saturday. Feelings are already running high in the Millar household. Experts predict that abuse directed towards the TV may rise to dangerous and critical levels during this game.


  1. Martin, I think you need a Nice Personal Assistant, a lovely, dark Gothy one perhaps , who does not mind Adventures in Spider Land...You have other skills, I would not worry.

    As far as the boiling water goes, the trick I learned form you English was the Electric Tea Kettle is a vital part of any household.

    I am happy about the MySpace for Lonely Werewolf Girl, but, sadly, have nothing to say about football.

  2. Anonymous4:16 pm

    my brother is a man u fan. i support any team against man u on principal. so go gunners! woooo! lol. and about the spider...i think it was karma. i normally am on your side since you brought the good fairies of new york and lonely werewolf girl into the world but on this matter im afraid i will have to side with the spider. sorry. germaine

  3. Anonymous5:19 pm

    I have similar problems Martin. I am forever having kitchen accidents- mostly connected with using the oven.

    A few weeks ago while i was doing some oven chips i burnt my hand on the oven shelf and in shock sat back on the floor clutching my burnt hand- I suddenly started laughing as the phrase 'and they call this convenience food' popped into my head...

    This is nothing compared to the great Boxing Day kitchen disaster of 2006!!! Having mentioned already my ability to constantly burn myself on the oven, a slightly 'tipsy' me was making a belated xmas dinner on boxing day when t'other half said 'don't touch the oven!- i'll climb up there and get the oven glove'.

    Despite my protests that we didn't have such a thing as an oven glove (surely given, as i'm always burning myself?) and what he could see was actually a tea cosy he had convinced himself that there was indeed an oven glove on the top shelf. So he climbed on the kitchen counter, reached for the 'oven glove', lost balance and grabbed the nearest shelf, which wasn't actually screwed into the brackets it was sitting on, and contained all those lovely glass things that you inherit or rellies give you as presents, or those lovely things you've bought on holiday. Yes! The safe shelf you don't go near that is impossible to knock things off!!!

    So the shelf is grabbed and in almost slo-mo a Niagra falls of glasware plunges on my head, into the belated xmas dinner (ruining it) and an onyx goblet (present to self, Egypt, 1998) bounces off my head, nearly knocks me out and then smashes in the sink.

    So we stand there in bare feet surrounded by smashed treasures, ruined dinner and missing the climax of Pirates of the Caribbean and i just started laughing- I think it was more shock than actually finding it funny...

    It took ages to clean all the tiny bits of glass up and t'other half was mortified and apologetic for at least 6 months after.

    And i still don't own an oven glove...

  4. Lisa! You have to take more care in the kitchen! That sounds like a near-death experience. Actually, I'm always burning myself on the oven too, like yourself while making oven chips.

    Lorraine, it would be a strange thought having a personal assistant. Hmm. I am very incompetent at many things, it would certainly be a help. But really, I can't see anyone applying for this post.

  5. One does not apply for the job, it just happens. Much like being President here in the USA, if you want the job, you are completely un-suited to it. (Grin)

    Most people who are looking to be a PA to an Author think they will be talking to publishers, learning the business, helping with books, and don't realize they will mostly be saying things like" you can't go out without shoes" and "here, I made you tea" or " I am not kidding, the plane will not wait for you"

    Lisa, you made me laugh so! Been there, done that!

  6. I tend to burn myself most, then a few cuts or banging into open cabinet doors.

    Life is adventure and household appliances are out to get me. But that never stopped me doing as I please.

    Stubbing of toes is something that happens most in the bedroom. So much so, that I have started wondering if there isn't some type of sexual fetish centered on that.
    Don't know... Sacher Masoch meets Cinderella?