Rhubarb Crumble Cannibalism Terror

While shuffling round the supermarket, checking ingredients in products in an obsessive compulsive manner - which I do, obsessive compulsively - I noticed that the microwavable rhubarb crumble contained something called L-cysteine.

Immediately suspicious of this, I checked on the internet and was staggered to find out that this food additive is made from human hair. I would have thought that food additives made from human parts were the stuff of wild urban legends, but really, it is. What's more, this seems to have been widely reported already. It's an old story in fact. So does everyone else think this is fine? Because really, there is absolutely no chance of me eating anything containing an additive made from human hair. I feel quite ill at the thought. But I feel quite ill at the thought of a lot of foods, really. I have many problems with food.

If you're looking for an online magazine to which you can submit your fiction, I recommend taking a look at Neonbeam, which is edited by my friend Sammi.

And when you've done that, go to my Lonely Werewolf Girl myspace page and add it as a friend. And buy the book from my website. These are gentle reminders just now, but as the date of publication approaches I'll become more insistent about it, probably ending up outside your house shouting up at the windows, and throwing stones.

Fake Reviews

Checked amazon.com to see how sales of The Good Fairies of New York are doing in America. Still seems to be going OK. Glanced at the customer reviews, seems to be doing fine with them too, which saves me the trouble of faking any. I’m not above faking the occasional customer review on Amazon, to boost sales.

I am untroubled by bad reviews, in the press or by customers, but I figure faking a few good reviews on Amazon is a legitimate way of promoting your own books. Well, legitimate in the sense of lying and cheating. Still, I’ve not been obliged to do this in this case.

* Martin Millar is top author, buy all his books *

My agreement with the distributors was that The Good Fairies was meant to be re-released in Britain in March. Now it seems to be April. I don’t know why that is, and I can‘t be bothered to find out. It will arrive soon anyway.

So. April, The Good Fairies of New York arrives back in Britain. June, Lonely Werewolf Girl comes out. Around September I should once more be an international star of literature, invited to Hollywood to write movies and party with glamorous starlets. Yes, things seem to be moving in the right direction.

Lonely Werewolf Girl Myspace Foolishness

Suddenly gripped by the fear that someone else might register as Lonely Werewolf Girl on Myspace, I registered the name myself. Quite why I was gripped with this fear, I don’t know, but anyway I was. So now my new book has its own Myspace page. I don’t know if this is a good idea or not. It seems a bit odd, really, but I’ve done it now.

Which gives me the problem of making friends for the page, because, you know, I don’t want my Lonely Werewolf Girl Myspace page to be mocked by other more successful pages, laughing at it and calling it names.

So, if you’re reading this, I suggest you hurry over to Lonely Werewolf Girl on Myspace and add me as a friend, thereby saving me from public humiliation.

Simon Fraser drew me a new icon for the page, based on the cover he created. He’s been a great help in this publication process, the whole thing would have been a lot harder without his help. Simon has started an online comic, Lilly Mackenzie and the Mines of Charybdis which I also recommend you start reading.

Myself and Simon have vague plans to reprint an edition of Lux and Alby Sign On and Save the Universe, some time, but we haven’t got round to it yet. We should, really, it’s a good idea.

Now I’m going to register for a Paypal account, for online sales of Lonely Werewolf Girl. No doubt this will be difficult, and possibly alarming. Sigh.

* hangs head, unable to cope with the modern world *

Review of Local Rhubarb Crumbles

My first ever food review.

I have little interest in food, and can become both bored and gloomy trying to think of anything I want to eat. I’ve recently lost weight and am looking a little skinny. Having discovered I’m fond of rhubarb crumble, I’m now trying to eat them regularly, to avoid fading away to nothing.

Iceland - Nice pie, recently increased in size. Cooks OK in oven.

Proportions - Slightly too much rhubarb, not enough crumble. Risk of ending up with last bit of rhubarb and no crumble to go with it.

Availability - usually to be found in shop. Have been occasional disappointments. Also, Iceland only opens till 6pm. Often, after day spent on couch staring into space, I can’t get there on time.

Purchasing problems - you can queue for a long time in Iceland, there are definitely times when there aren’t enough people working the check-outs. Quite possible to get stuck in queue behind enormous woman with a trolley containing more food than I could eat in a month.

Still, crumble is good value for £1

Risk of meeting dangerous mad people in the shop - Severe

Feelings of misery and hopelessness
engendered by shopping in Iceland - moderate


Sainsbury - Also nice pie, and cooks OK but needs longer than the recommended time or you risk having soggy crumble.

Proportion of crumble to rhubarb - too much crumble, not enough rhubarb.

Availability - usually on the shelves, but there have been weekend disappointments.

Purchasing problems - Not many. Check outs usually well-staffed, with occasional lapses. But Sainsbury is cold sometimes. I like to be warm and comfy doing my shopping. I hate it if the shop is cold.

All in all a good pie, but £1.69 seems a little pricey to me.

Risk of meeting dangerous mad people in the shop - Moderate

Feelings of misery and hopelessness
engendered by shopping in Sainsbury - low

[I note Sainsbury has recently introduced an exotic ‘pear and blackcurrant crumble.’ Surely pears aren’t meant to be made into crumble? Pears are meant to be put in tins.]


Cost Cutter - No rhubarb crumble at all. But they do have an independently produced apple crumble, to which I have occasionally succumbed. It’s too sweet really. Cooks OK, but is a little soggy. Still, at £1, it’s good value too, and it’s usually there in the freezer. And the shop is open late every day, which is a point in their favour if it’s late on Sunday evening and you just crave a hot pudding.

Risk of meeting dangerous mad people in the shop - Very Severe

Feelings of misery and hopelessness
engendered by shopping in Cost Cutter - high

The Moon and the Stars

I went outside to watch the moon turn orange, as the earth moved between it and the sun. Suddenly I felt a terrible change coming over me. Next thing I knew it was four hours later, there were mangled corpses at my feet and there was blood on my fangs...

OK, that didn’t happen. Well, not the blood on my fangs bit. But I did watch the eclipse of the moon, and it did turn orange, and very impressive it was too.

So. Impressive lunar events and an Arsenal victory made Saturday a good day. Arsenal have been suffering recently, done down by ill-luck, poor refereeing decisions and a scandalous campaign against them by the Football Association. But Arsenal will emerge triumphant, as our galaxy of young stars sweeps everyone before them next season.

I notice it’s not long till the final Harry Potter book comes out. Not that I am the sort of person to get obsessed with Harry Potter.

* currently marching on Parliament with 'Bring Back Dumbledore' banner *

I lay in the bath reading Buffy comics.

Despite being a dedicated fan of the TV programme, I haven’t really enjoyed Buffy comics before, and haven’t followed them. However, the excellent news that Joss Whedon is launching a new comic, taking the Buffy story on after the end of the TV show, made me think that probably I should catch up. So I found some Buffy graphic novels in the library. While I didn’t think they were great, I enjoyed them more than I remembered.

I find it a little annoying that the characters never look the same as they do on TV, but perhaps it’s reasonable for the artists to interpret them in a different way.

Now, having read a few of these Buffy graphic novels, I have an overwhelming obsessive urge to read them all. I may be forced to fork out a substantial sum on buying the rest of them.

I’m looking forward to the new Buffy comics. Really, I should be writing them. I’d write a great Buffy comic. For one thing I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of Buffy. And I have a Sunnydale High School T-shirt. And I played the Buffy Playstation game Chaos Bleeds right through to the end. What more qualifications could you need? Dammit, I should be a shoe-in for the job.

Skin Two Magazine and Me

Issue 57 of Skin Two has just been released. It includes a story by me, called Difficult Sex. You can buy Skin Two at Borders, Tower Records, fetish shops, and online at their website.

Electra Glide in Blue

Slumped on the couch in front of the TV - as I customarily am - I came across this film. It rang a fairly distant bell, meaning that I saw it a long time ago, but didn’t remember much about it. Watching it again, I enjoyed it a lot. Which brings me, as always, to the realisation that any time I really like a film, I can never think of anything to say about it. I would be the worst movie critic in the world.

Electra Glide in Blue was made in the 1973. I notice there were a lot of good films made around then. Maybe the 70s were good for films. I don’t know why. They seem quite different from films made today.

Hmmm. A brief perusal of internet film sites reveals that I’m not the first person to note that there were good movies in the 70s. Several million people have already made this observation. OK, I told you I didn’t have anything original to say.

Some 70s films I like - The Godfather, American Graffiti, The Warriors, Annie Hall, Cabaret, Superfly, Death in Venice, Dirty Harry, Enter the Dragon, The Last Picture Show, Don’t Look Now, Manhattan, Star Wars, The Conversation, Klute, Charley Varrick.

Of these films, the best two for both being made in the 70s and also showing what the 70s were like, are The Warriors, and Superfly. These are two of my big favourites.